The Loop

All that I am feeling, I have felt it all before

The rains were pouring down and I was struggling to find a corner to shelter myself from the downpour. When I left my apartment the weather forecast did say that there was 70% chance of rains, but I thought to myself, Am I among the 70% or the 30%? Risk it. Even as I made the decision to walk out of the apartment without an umbrella, I got a sinking feeling that I was making a mistake, the cause and origin of which I always questioned, obviously failing to get an answer. As I was frantically looking for a shelter, I saw a little coffee shop round the corner and heaved a sigh of relief. I started splashing the puddle of water with my steps as I jogged myself towards it, all this while thinking, if only I hadn’t ignored the weather forecast, but then, knowing myself, I would have always taken that 30% chance rather than be safe and lug an umbrella for that other 70% chance. Looking back, how many of these intuitive warnings have I ignored? Would I have been better being among the 70% or am I who I am now cause of the 30% of those chances I did take? 

There is something in the warm smell of a coffee on a rainy day. I stepped into the cafe, semi drenched, promptly attracting gazes of some of the fellow coffee drinkers in the cafe and that of the server. She immediately showed me the way to their restroom where I had a chance to sort myself. The smell of coffee was still strong in the air and it was quickly filling up my lungs to the point of nostalgia. I saw myself in the restroom mirror while I fixed my dishelved self. Something of this entire afternoon feels deja vu -esque. I know and without any confirmed hypothesis, experts say there are 60% to 80% of the population of the world who get a feeling of deja vu on a regular basis. Usually the feelings of deja vu last for few fleeting seconds, enough to make you wonder but then make you forget without the need to ponder on those thoughts. This particular instance of deja vu for me, was lingering around, just like the smell of coffee in my head. I picked up my preferred coffee, which to say is the most boring kind and in large quantities and found a corner table to settle myself. The first sip of the coffee, even though we have it every day, multiple times, always tends to bring a feeling of incomparable calmness. The coffee only compounded my feeling that I have lived this scenario before and that the lingering emotions are recycled from similar previous situations. I tried to ignore the feeling, to go on with my day as normal, enjoy the coffee and look at the rains smashing the glass window next to my table.

The rains always took me back to a familiar place. Growing up I dreaded the rains, staying in a small one room apartment, humble dwellings in a large busy city of Mumbai. Every time it rained, and it rained a lot in Mumbai, the city was flooded with the rain water while my heart was filled with anxiety and fear. The fear that the stormy rain might tear the roof from above my head, flood my home, destroy whatever little belongings I have managed to gather for myself. As a kid, that was my biggest fear, losing a bunch of belongings which I had managed to build my world around, and friends. The rains always managed to shut the city down few times in the summer, which was a relief as a school going kid. All the mixed emotions of anxiety, fear and relief were too much for a kid to handle but did a good job to prepare myself for adulthood. The anxiety and fear always took precedence even as an adult, the long waits and nights being stuck in traffic caused by the flooding of the rains, the thrill to make it through and reach home to find that cup of coffee and relief, which I was struggling through when I left my apartment earlier in the day. It didn’t really surprise me to find that we associate certain emotions with certain elements in the nature but it feels unsettling to notice the vivid details in which I could associate my feelings and situations. It made me wonder, do things change at all or are we in some kind of loop, living through same emotions in a different setting. The same loop of anxiety, fear and relief lived in different phases of life only to find that nothing ever really mattered but for you and those around you that you care and those who care for you.

I dreaded being alone, not cause there are monsters in the dark waiting to pounce when the lights go off on a lonely soul. My philosophy in my life, growing up was to do things and be at places where I always had a friend to live and enjoy those moments. As time passed, I realized that everyone has to follow their own path and not everyone is lucky enough to have same sets of friends through every phase of their life. Sometimes you get lucky and few of them manage to stick around. Every time you move for one of many reasons in your life, the anxiety of the new place, fear of not finding like minded people, and then finally the relief when we actually do make new friends. I took another sip of coffee and let my eyes wander around the cafe to see any change in the setting, but as is with every coffee shop, the layout may be different, the mood and scene is always the same. I fiddled with my phone and texts, nothing, then glanced a look out of the window to see the rains still lashing the glass pane being assertive in its demand to enter the enclosure. I made my way back to my thoughts and there it was again, the familiar feeling of anxiety , fear and relief. The layout of the life might have changed but the scene and the emotions felt eerily similar. The kid grew up but managed to hold onto its belonging.

As I was lost in my thought, I sensed a familiar feeling emerge in the cafe. I was lost in my emotions, all the way to the beginning of the day, feeling a bit anxious while making the decision, the fear of not finding a shelter to this moment of relief which I was feeling now. As is with life, these fleeting moments and emotions are part of finding yourself , all the while embracing the anxiety and fear of loneliness to the relief of watching a familiar face walk in on a rainy day into a familiar setting of a cafe supplementing the coffee filled nostalgia. As comfortable as this setting is, here I am sat semi drenched holding a warm drink, staring into a set of eyes, as merciless and loving as the rains. I might be living in a loop filled with same kind of emotions, but as long as the setting is changing, there is little cause for an alarm.