Writing against the Fear

The momentary paralysis that takes over the body when you are faced with something relatively familiar yet unknown. The body refuses to do its basic function while an unknown abstract entity tries to encompass the whole being. It is like a parasite taking over the host.

I think about that moment when I was just a few feet below the surface of the ocean. In anticipation of the beauty that resides beneath the moody waters, I overlooked major few details that were designed to make my experience pleasant. As I descended in anticipation, chasing the unknown, feeding my deep sense of adventure, a familiar feeling crept on me. Many times I contemplated that decision just as I was acting upon it and wondered if I would ever do it any differently.

The body froze and as the descent continued, the anticipation of witnessing something beautiful was overtaken by a feeling of horror. The lack of control and the inability to seek help drained the hope out of me slowly and filled me with an alien feeling, a sense of resignation. As it got darker and colder, I wondered to myself -

 Is it worth it to face your fear?

I woke up dehydrated under the sun with helpful hands around me. I imagined there was a buzz in the air from the people around but I failed to hear anything. Familiar face held her hand up and whispered sweet nothings while guiding me into the shade. I returned to normalcy and thought to myself as I opened my pocketbook and looked at the list - 

Is the item in the list complete if the experience didn’t invoke the desired feeling?

The brilliance of desire is that no matter the rationality of the mind or those around you with many opinions, it is only fulfilled from within with a fine balancing act between rational and irrational.

Keeping that thought in mind, I jumped back on the swanky boat with familiar fear of deep waters and the recent experience of paralysis that was still fresh in my mind. As I was reaching the spot, I decided to get the same pocket notebook out to register my thoughts and feelings at the moment. I decided to add another entry to my list which I intended to check off as soon as I returned back while a thought came to my mind - 

Our relationship with fear is parasitic. As it is with parasitism, only one entity benefits and eventually thrives.